Farceland Or Mahazelstan.

Sir Thomas More was a great thinker born in England in 1477. After glorious years as high official in England and due to his opposition to Henry VIII intention to divorce the Queen, Thomas More was beheaded in 1535. In 1935 the Roman Catholic Church declared him as “Saint”. Thomas More studied Law at Oxford. Though he authored several books, “Utopia” which he wrote in Latin in 1516 is his most famous work. I read “Utopia” (in a superb Arabic translation) in August 1973. During the past thirty years I went back to this fascinating book and read several times .. but I never thought that one day I will receive from a dieing friend a manuscript of a book that was written on a country which has a name that never (such as “Utopia”) existed. But while “Utopia” was an ideal society, “Farceland” was (according to Dante Alighieri terminology) a true “INFERNO”! …

The entire book “Farceland” was written by my friend “M.A.T“, translated into English by myself and apart from the book introduction (which is enclosed herewith), the complete book will not be published before 2011 as per its author’s “will” – yet you might find reading the preface (which I wrote) and the book Introduction (which the author wrote) both “interesting”!

Finally, I wish that you will never be attracted to think that “I am the author of this book” or “that Farceland is Egypt” – as both would be “wrong speculations” – the author is (M.A.T) and the country is a famous one in Asia (and not Egypt).

Farceland (or Mahazelstan).
A Preface by Tarek Heggy

Mahazelstan (or Farceland) is a remarkable literary work which I neither wrote nor contributed to in any way. There is an interesting story behind the book, which was written by a friend of mine who passed away a year ago. I first met him in the early nineties in the Asian country about which he wrote the book. He had been living there since the beginning of the eighties, while my job entailed frequent visits to the country in question. A petroleum geophysicist by profession, he was nevertheless a deeply cultured man, fond of quoting Taha Hussein’s dictum that a person could not claim to be cultured unless he had read the great world classics in the humanities and social science (the works of Homer, Plato, Diogenes, Euripides, Aeschylus, Aristophanes, Sophocles, Aristotle and other luminaries of the Greek and Roman periods whose influence on human thought endures to this day). He knew his words were music to my ears, and that I agreed with him wholeheartedly (though I dared not express my views publicly for fear of offending the vast majority of Arab intellectuals who lack any classical formation).

My friend believed the Asian country in which he had been living for over ten years epitomized the many ills and problems from which most Third World countries were suffering, all of which he attributed to the non-democratic systems of government to which they were subjected. One evening, we were deep into a discussion about the deplorable state of affairs in the Third World when he decided to share with me a secret he had until then kept to himself.

Apparently, the country which British and French expatriates derisively called Mahazelstan (or Farceland) had inspired him to write a book of about four hundred pages, not for publication but as a personal chronicle, like the diary Saad Zaghloul wrote and never published. He showed me the hand-written text, the only copy that existed, and I immediately realized that I was holding an extraordinary literary work. I asked him to let me keep it for one day, and he reluctantly agreed. The following evening, I returned the book and told him how much I had enjoyed reading it. Thanking me, he reiterated that he had written it only to record his personal impressions, not for publication, and asked me to keep it a secret between us.

There matters stood until, in 2001, he came to visit me in Cairo with the sad news that he was terminally ill and had been given no longer than a year to live by his doctors in the States. I was still reeling from the shock when he suddenly brought out the manuscript I had first read so many years ago, with the word “Mahazelstan (or Farceland)” emblazoned in large characters on the cover. Reminding me that it was the only copy of the only book he had ever written, he wryly compared himself to American author Margaret Mitchell, whose literary output was limited to the famous novel, “Gone With the Wind”. He handed over the manuscript and told me he had decided to bequeath it to me, asking only that I hold off publishing it for ten years after his death. However, he added, I could, if I wished, publish the Introduction to the book without citing his name in full, but only his initials, M.A.T. I promised to respect his wishes to the letter, and today find myself under a strong compulsion to publish the Introduction to that extraordinary opus. As to the book in its entirety, I will, circumstances permitting, present it for publication after August 29, 2011.

Every word in the Introduction was written by this brilliant man who managed to put his finger on the underlying causes of the huge problems besetting most Third World countries in his remarkable book, “Mahazelstan (or Farceland)”. Its publication today commemorates the first anniversary of his death, and the entire book will be published, in accordance with his instructions, on the tenth anniversary of the passing of a man I was proud to call a friend.

Tarek Heggy

Farceland (or Mahazelstan).

Introduction by the Author.

Mahazelstan, the symbolic name of a country in Asia, is a composite of two words: “mahazel”, which is the plural form of the Arabic word for “farce”, and “stan” an Urdu word meaning “land”. It is a literal translation of “Farceland”, the name bestowed on the country by British and French expatriates. Mahazelstan (or Farceland) is not an imaginary place like the island described in Sir Thomas More’s Utopia nearly five hundred years ago. The latter was a figment of the English philosopher’s imagination, a place he envisaged as the personification of ideal perfection in all matters. The former is the exact opposite: it is a very real place in which all aspects of life societal customs and norms, the system of government, work ethics and business practices justify the derisory name by which it is commonly referred to by resident foreigners. Corruption is a way of life in Mahazelstan (or Farceland), where venality and graft are rampant and sycophancy, obsequiousness and fawning over superiors have been developed into a virtual art form unparalleled in any other country throughout history.

The qualities and skills required to achieve success in Mahazelstan (or Farceland) have nothing to do with those required in any normal society. Only yes-men ready to toe the line laid down by their superiors without question, even if they do not agree with it and even if it is the exact opposite of a line they previously endorsed, can make it in Mahazelstan (or Farceland); only mediocrities without a mind of their own and without any talents, flunkies adept at flattery, can hope to succeed in this strange land. These qualities are all too evident in the official media of Mahazelstan (or Farceland), which operate unlike any in the world. For example, when the country is suffering its worst economic recession in years, the media enthuses about its fantastic economic growth; when unemployment figures are at their highest, a spate of articles will appear to laud the government for providing millions of job opportunities; when the stench of corruption is at its worst, the media will praise the government’s successful attempts to stamp out corruption. Then there is the symbiotic relationship between the executive branch of government in Mahazelstan (or Farceland) and the class of so-called business tycoons. Entire volumes can be written about their unholy alliance and the aberrations to which it has given rise. Another fact of life in Mahazelstan (or Farceland) is that only the poor and weak are subject to law, from traffic laws all the way up to the laws imposing the most severe penalties. And yet the official media are tireless in their praise of the government for applying the rule of law!

Yet another fact of life in Mahazelstan (or Farceland) is the sorry state of the country’s religious minority, whose members are subjected to myriad forms of oppression and persecution. This is in no way reflected by the official media, however, which flagrantly disregard the realities of the situation to paint a rosy picture of inter-communal harmony. Whenever possible, they use photo opportunities to show religious leaders of different persuasions embracing in a show of brotherly love, and angrily denounce any accounts of problems faced by the religious minority as fabrications by the outside world. Over the years, the people of Mahazelstan (or Farceland) have been told by their media that the outside world has it in for them, that it envies their country’s history, treasures and people and is constantly conspiring against them because it fears a Mahazelstani renaissance will make Mahazelstan (or Farceland) the foremost scientific and economic power in the world! In a country where public officials earning three hundred dollars a month manage to amass fortunes which in some cases exceed one hundred million dollars, the media never tire of extolling the integrity and independence of the judiciary, although every citizen knows the opposite to be true. When corruption attained farcical proportions in Mahazelstan (or Farceland), I would find myself quoting a passage from a poem by the great poet Khalil Mutran, which seemed to sum up the situation perfectly:

“What distinguishes one thief from another
Is where he stands on the power ladder.
On a low rung he faces a shameful death
On a high, he reaps honour with every breath.”

The relationship between the ordinary Mahazelstanis and the authorities is both sad and funny, as the following incident illustrates. One day, a British colleague and I went to visit a senior Mahazelstani official. Because much of the discussion was between the official and his aides, the meeting was conducted in the local language, which my British companion did not understand. He was thus free to study the body language of our Mahazelstani interlocutors for close on an hour. After the meeting, he told me he had a hard time not laughing as he watched what he called a hilarious pantomime unfold before his eyes. The body language of the official when he addressed his aides, as well as their body language when they responded to him, spoke volumes, he said, and a filmmaker could have made millions by capturing the scene and marketing it as the funniest silent movie of all time! I still remember his description of the body language of the aides as they spoke to the big man, which he compared to the squirming of lowly creatures trapped under the weight of some kind of natural disaster.

A feature that is unique to Mahazelstan (or Farceland) is how society treats people who are not longer in a position of authority. Once an official leaves his post, he is treated as a has-been, a nonentity who is at best totally ignored and sometimes ridiculed and insulted. I have devoted a whole chapter of the book to this feature, which gives new meaning to the phrase, “How the mighty are fallen.” Nowhere else in the world is a man’s history obliterated when he leaves office, nowhere else does a once mighty individual come to be regarded as an insect living out the remainder of his days on a dry branch of the tree of life. A man’s record counts for nothing. No matter how prominent he once was, no matter how much power he wielded in the past, the minute he is stripped of the trappings of power the adulation that once surrounded him is replaced by complete indifference. The chapter entitled “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” in which this phenomenon is addressed in more detail tells the true story of what happened to a former commander-in-chief of Mahazelstan’s armed forces when he tried to enter an officers’ club. Stopped by the guard at the gate, he identified himself as Marshall so-an-so, former head of the army, only to be told by the guard that Marshall so-and-so was dead. “You are right,” replied the one-time military supremo, “in Mahazelstan (or Farceland), to be a former anything is tantamount to being dead!”

Another chapter in the book addresses a phenomenon I call “The Duality of Stupidity and Honesty.” The holders of public office in Mahazelstan (or Farceland) are divided into two distinct categories: they are either honest and stupid or dishonest and clever. The chapter gives many examples of each category. One of the most interesting examples of the latter category is the spectacular rise of a certain “K.A.” from the base of society to the summit of power. Completely amoral, Mr. K.A. embodies the all-too-common mix in the Third World between opportunism, corruption and rapacity. Unabashedly venal, he charges a few thousand to admit the sons of the poor to military academies and millions to admit the rich to parliament. One chapter of the book deals with the one redeeming feature of the Mahazelstani national character, which is their sense of humour and ability to produce an endless stream of jokes about their rulers and, indeed, about themselves.

Although in most societies jealousy is more common among women, Mahazalstan is an exception. Here jealousy between men is the norm, especially between public officials. While among women it is usually related to looks, among the men of Mahazelstan (or Farceland) it is more complex. A man can be jealous of another man’s post, fame, culture, wealth, even his physical attributes. Most Mahazelstani men are short, many are bald and, generally speaking, are not noted for their good looks. All these factors make for a malignant climate dominated by envy, strife and personal feuds conducted in a spirit of rancour, malice and spite.

I will end this Introduction with the concluding paragraph of the book, which attributes all the negative features of Mahazelstan (or Farceland) to two aberrant processes underway simultaneously. On the one hand, the people of Mahazelstan (or Farceland) are subjected to a brainwashing campaign conducted by their official media with a greater degree of professionalism than the Nazi propaganda machine under Goebbels. On the other, they are ruled by a regime that is adamantly opposed to the democratization of the country’s political life, on the grounds that the status quo must be maintained to guarantee three things:

- That all the ills of the country can continue to be explained away in terms of plots hatched against the country by external forces (led by American imperialism and its allies). In a true democracy based on transparency and accountability, he finger of suspicion would inevitably be pointed by the people of Mahazelstan (or Farceland) at their corrupt and despotic rulers.

- That the main objective of the regime can be achieved, which is to guarantee that the current rulers remain in power for decades to come, if not themselves then their designated heirs.

- That in the absence of a rotation of power, there will be no elected successors of the current rulers to open the files of the current regime and disclose the degree of corruption and despotism that characterized their rule.

It is not surprising, then, that those running the official media in Mahazelstan (or Farceland) should enjoy as much power as they do. In fact, the information machine is no less important than the army and the police when it comes to keeping the rulers in place for decades.

This book is made up of four hundred pages divided into ten chapters covering details of the tragedy (or comedy) of life in Mahazelstan (or Farceland), and aims at making every Egyptian grateful to be living in Egypt and not in Mahazelstan (or Farceland).

M.A.T.