As a background point that explains the next photo, attendees were all given leis shipped in from Hawaii (the bowtie, on the other hand, wasn't my fault). The ceremony was sufficiently small that it could be - and was - conducted at home. Note that my wife's desired online profile is pretty much "none," which has resulted in some redactions and a dearth of photos. I wore a light grey suit with a green shirt, a maile-style ti leaf and orchid wedding lei instead of a tie - and a pair of perfectly-fitting cowboy boots that had belonged to Jan's late father.

MARC DANZIGER:

Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togevver, today.

And I'm thrilled that we're together – that this marriage is happening, that we can all be together with Jan & Joe to witness it, and personally, that they asked me to officiate.

I've been through enough of these myself to know that there's a set pattern to follow. You talk a bit about marriage, a bit about the couple's relationship, a bit about each of them, and then you make it official.

So let me first say a few words about marriage, specifically aimed at Jan and to Joe. Marriage, particularly for someone our age when hormones and hope don't rule our lives, seems optional. Jan had a lovely home, a career, friends, her pets and her writing. Joe had an incredibly strong family, a community and home in Toronto, a career, a blog, and everything else one could imagine one would want as an adult.

But once you met each other, you each knew that wasn't enough, and you were right.

I'll appeal to higher authority here. Grace and I just saw the opera made from the novel 'Grendel' by John Gardner... not the higher authority you were expecting, I'll bet!

The opera (and the wonderful book) is the story of Beowulf, told from the point of view of the monster, who watches human life through windows and attacks the Danes he watches in a rage at being excluded from humanity. Humanity, according to Gardner, requires three things: heroism, art, and love. Without them, we are beasts – we are condemned to lives without any contact with the Divine in ourselves and in the world.

For starters, Jan and Joe are in my mind each heroes.

Joe moved two thousand miles from a loving family, friends, and work to come and be with Jan. If that's not heroic, I don't know what is.

Jan was willing – at a time when she was hurting and untrusting of the world and of her own heart – to stand up and open her heart to Joe, and to courageously risk everything on a relationship with a man who lived two thousand miles away. She was willing to exile her pets, get on her knees and spend her nights installing hardwood flooring, to turn her life and her beloved home upside down to make room for Joe. I know Jan, and trust me - that's heroism.

Their love for each other was so strong that an hour after they met it was obvious that they needed more time with each other.

Jan, my mom was really happy that you made it to the 'family and out of town guests' brunch the day after my wedding. But she didn't ask me to have you to come to it. It was obvious to me – and to Grace, to Quinn and to Mary and to everyone in the room – that something was happening between you and Joe, and that we needed to give it a little more time.

That something was love, and in the weeks and months that followed, we all heard it in Jan and Joe's voices, both when each talked about the other, and when they talked about anything at all. They have been lit from within by their love, and it was obvious to all of us that it was a steady and long-lasting light.

And that brings me to art.

Zen talks about making your entire life into art by illuminating everything in your life – every action you take – with a sense of beauty.

In turn, Jewish tradition sees beauty as "that which reveals essence. It is that which hints to a reality beyond the hollow circle of the mind of Man."

You reveal yourself most of all in that most intimate relationship of marriage. Because day after day, year after year you are together, and that means you can't hide successfully from each other. Good days, horrible months, great years – each of those requires you to turn toward the other and reveal yourself in a different way. In order to create a beautiful life, you reveal yourself completely to each other over the course of an entire life together and ultimately each of you know who – really – Joe and Jan are.

Joe, we've known each other for several years – mostly mediated by a computer screen – and what I've seen has been a man who is certain and steadfast, and yet accommodating and gentle. You'll need all that – trust me, I know Jan.

But in our relationship, you have been above all smart, certain and honorable in everything we've done together. You're stepping into a new life, but you have a strong enough foundation – in family, religion, tradition, and your own character – to quickly make it your own. And you are a wonderful partner for Jan, and have a wonderful partner in her.

Jan, I won't tell these people how long we've known each other – although some of them probably know. You are one of my longest-lived friends, and you have supported me in some of my hard times and shared my joy in the good times. I watched over the last few years as you went through your own hard time, and I was thrilled that you'd turn to me and let me be your friend when you needed one. But what I wanted most of all was for you to be happy. I wasn't sure what it would take until you met Joe. Since then it has been as though I've watched a butterfly emerge. I hear it in your voice when we talk, I see it in your face when we're together, I read it in your words when you write me. And it is obvious to all of us

And we're all thrilled.

This thing that you are both doing – this condition of marriage – is hard work. And it is the kind of work that is the thing most worth doing.

You're both ready to do this kind of work. I look forward to a long friendship between the two of you and Grace and I. We'll stumble, and I know that you'll be there for us. You'll stumble, and we'll be there for you. And everyone here, the broader community of your family and friends will be there as well.

And today we're all here for the two of you. And we're here to formally join the two of you together; to give each of you rights and responsibilities to each other under the laws of the state.

Joe, will you say a few words to Jan?

JOE:

Jan... the promises I have made to you in the privacy of our love I make to you now before all.

I give you the gifts of hands, head, and heart. In shadows and in light they will be with you. To comfort you and care for you. To work beside you and to cherish you. To laugh with you, and understand you, and seek the truth with you. To cherish you, and to adore you, and to be true to you.

I give you myself, as I am. I give you myself, as the better person I want to be when I am with you.

Our paths are one, and I shall walk it with you. Sometimes ahead of you, leading the way. Sometimes behind you, following gladly where you may venture. Always beside you, wherever our great adventure takes us.

In a flawed, fallen, and beautiful world, understanding may fail. Prophecy may fail. But beyond understanding there is love, and beyond prophecy a sacred promise binding that love to voyage as one through our choices and our future. That love, I offer you. That sacred promise, I offer you... if you will have me.

The rest of our adventure awaits. Here I am. Here we are. I have followed you home. Will you keep me - for always and always?

MARC: Jan, will you say a few words to Joe?

JAN:

Darling Joseph -

Sometimes if you are very, very blessed, you meet a person who makes you want to achieve the greatest breadth possible for your soul; to be compassionate, gentle, patient, and loving, who gives your courage to feel and express fully both joy and sorrow, a person who understands you naturally and without effort. Joseph, for me you are that person. I want to SHARE my life with you as my beloved.

I respect you for your bravery, your steadfastness, your honesty. I cherish you for your innocence, curiosity and your true heart. I honor you for your kindness, patience and your compassion - your willingness to put up with me! You make me laugh. You brighten my life until it glows.

It's been a long journey that has finally brought us to this day; for your presence in my life I give my most sincere gratitude. I want to stand beside you, to laugh with you, to cry with you, to kiss you and hug you, and yes, yes, yes, I will keep you - forever and always!

MARC:

Joe, will you please place the ring on Jan's finger?

Jan, will you please place the ring on Joe's finger?

By the powers vested in me as a Deputy Clerk for Civil Marriage... I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Wild applause

Jan and Joe, I take great pleasure in pronouncing you husband and wife. And may the coming years bring you more art, heroism, and love than you can possibly imagine.

Part of the Jewish wedding tradition is that they break a glass. I may be getting this wrong, and if so please correct me, but I believe part of the symbolism of it is that just as the glass cannot be put back together, after this moment their lives will be different and a new life together will start.

Joe stamps on glass

As a living symbol of your new relationship, you have chosen to plant an apple tree – a fruitful symbol that you will be able to look at in the many years to come that will remind you of this day.

Jan, Joe please finish planting this tree.

Finishing via handfuls of earth

I'd like to ask everyone to please step forward one at a time, light your candle, and make a wish – silently or not – for Jan and Joe.

Each person steps forward and offers a wish, then stands along the back deck in a line. Joe and Jan pass through the line together, and walk to the door of their house where they remain to welcome the guests into what is now their home.