Yankee Fan Conversion Form

Found this on Curt Schilling's excellent blog, "38 pitches." I must admit, I got a kick out of all the media reports covering his recent signing that had had to cite his blog as their source for the contract details. While I'm not a member of Red Sox nation, I also got a kick out of this comment from one of his readers, which was attached to a raise the hairs on the back of your neck post copying the 2003 letter the Red Sox sent him, shortly before they signed him from Arizona:

"YANKfAN22 Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from your previous fan experience.

Name: ___________yankfan22____________________

Address:______________________________

Who’s Your Daddy: ____________________

1. Please select your favorite recent Yankee new player acquisition:

[ } Roger Clemens $20 million, six wins, one groin pull

[ ] Alex Rodriquez $92 million, no title, Ha!

[ ] Derek Jeter $123 million since last won world series

[ ] Jason Giambi $91 million, no title, lots of roid sweat

[ ] Carl Pavano $27 million, five wins
 

2. Which of the following would you most like to see as the most played YES Network “Great Moments in Yankee History” film clip in 2008:

[ ] Rivera’s "shocking" blown save in Game 4, 2004

[ ] Rivera’s "shocking" blown save in Game 5, 2004

[ ] The awesome wild card clincher celebration

[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 1

[ ] Wang getting hammered in Game 2

[ ] Jeter’s first GIDP

[ ] Jeter’s second GIDP

[ ] Jeter’s third GIDP
 

3.. Please indicate the last book you read:

[ ] Someday, in my lifetime, the Yankees will get to the LCS

[ ] Suicide Hotline - It’s not just for Cubs’ fans anymore

[ ] The Heimlich Maneuver - What to do when choking
 

4. Which recent Yankees personnel move did you enjoy most:

[ ] Not winning the posting for Matsuzaka

[ ] Winning the posting for Kei Igawa
 

5. Which following designation best describes Derek Jeter’s performance in this year’s ALDS

[ ] Captain Intangibles

[ ] Captain GIDP

[ ] Captain & Tenille
 

6. Please choose your favorite movie:

[ ] Anger Management

[ ] Hunt for Red October

[ ] Damned Yankees

[ ] Still We Believe
 

7. Finish this sentence: “Alex Rodriquez is

a. overrated

b. overpaid

c. overdue

d. overly prissy

e. over
 

8. . Select the most vociferous, stupid, and annoying Yankee fan:

[ ] Washed up “comic” hack and Yanks personal ballwasher Billy Crystal

[ ] Front-running celebrity phony Jack Nicholson

[ ] Tim McCarver
 

9 . Are you ready to admit that :

a. Ted Williams was better than Joe DiMaggio?

b. Carlton Fisk was better than Thurman Munson?

c. Even Manny Ramirez is faster than Bernie Williams?

d. Reggie Jackson was a better outfielder than Matsui?

e. Derek Jeter has less range than a kumquat

f. No self-respecting parasite would invade Jason Giambi?
 

10. Please indicate your favorite moments in Yankee history: (Check all that apply):

[ ] Alex Rodriquez is traded to the Yankees

[ ] Don Mattingly never wins a World Series

[ ] The Yankees let Clemens get away

[ ] The Yankees get Clemens back

[ ] Giambi’s steroid abuse causes his body to collapse like a screen door in a hurricane.

[ ] The bugs eat Joba
 

11 . Have you experienced any of the following after the embarrassing four game collapse? (Check all that apply)

[ ] Headache

[ ] Uncontrolled Anger

[ ] Heartache

[ ] Holes punched in doors or walls

[ ] Nausea

[ ] Smashed TV screens

[ ] Depression and Broken Dreams

[ ] Avoided Red Sox fans for days or weeks
 

Once you have completed this form, please forward it to Fenway Park. Then burn all your remaining Yankee clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Red Sox Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

I hereby acknowledge that the real "curse" is being a Yankee Fan.

I hereby renounce the New York Yankees for all eternity on this the ______
day of ________________, 200__"